Watching 30 Rock

Cold opening: Jack is in his office (which is decorated for the holidays) when Liz comes in to wish him a Merry Christmas before they break for the holidays. Wait, TV shows get a holiday break, just like in school? I’m in the wrong career. He gives her a Christmas present: a new photo scanner/paper shredder (from GE, of course!) Won’t people just end up shredding their pictures by accident? Yeah, I need one of those for “scanning” my old prom photos.

Frank wheels a big cart filled with various bottles of booze into the writer’s room, already making a pre-apology for all the offensive things he is about to do at the office LucaChristmas Party and offering pre-forgiveness to his coworkers for when they leave him passed out by the elevator. I thank the fates that my office holiday party is over lunch and that we can’t drink because I’m sure my coworkers would just leave me in the parking lot. Everyone is cheering and is totally psyched about the party, especially Cerie who is hoping Frank will reprise is “horny Santa” gag from last year. I guess Frank isn’t gay for Jamie anymore.

Back in Jack’s office, he asks Liz if she has big plans for the holidays. Her family is coming! Yay, we get to meet more Lemons! They are going to see Jersey Boys! Jack can’t understand why Liz isn’t stressed out over her family’s eminent arrival. Her family hasn’t argued since Carter left office! Jack has invited his mother to join him from Florida but she is stranded due to Hurricane Zapato. He points to the big TV on the wall, showing the weather channel, amused the the eye of the storm seems to be right over his mother’s house. So much for paralyzing Irish guilt. He’s going to drive up to Vermont and surprise C.C. ….. or he would be, if Jonathan hadn’t just announced that Jack’s mother had taken a bus to Atlanta and talked Jet Blue into taking a ticket from Amtrak. Damn, she’s good! Jack’s mother is disappointed that Jack is still in the same office, since he is up for that promotion and all. Maybe he should let that dream die. I think Jack should start drinking, pronto. Jack’s mom greets Liz, insults Jack’s girlfriend, insults Liz and gets passive aggressive about her coat, all in the span of about 2.3 seconds. I want to call my Mom and tell her I love her.

Credits. Boop de boop. I love that head turn Jack does, although it seems completely out of character for him.

Next we get one of those AmEx commercials designed to look like part of the show. I don’t get paid to recap those. Moving on!

Liz and Jenna enter the writer’s room and Jenna pretends she didn’t realize tonight was LudaChristmas, except she is totally wearing a slinky dress under her coat. You got us good, Jenna. Liz says she isn’t going to the party because her parents and her brother Mitch are in town. Her brother Mitch has Trauma Induced Niveaphasia — he is stuck in 1985, the day before his senior class skiing trip. I would not want to be trapped in my senior year, hence the desire to shred my prom photos. We get a flashback to meet Mitch (Andy Richter)!

Kenneth the Page comes in to deliver presents from the parent company, Sheinhard Wigs. More photo shredders! Everyone throws them away, but Kenneth is appalled that no one has any Christmas spirit. No one understands Christmas. Just then a stripper arrives, there to have Christmas mints eaten off her body. She appears also to have tuberculosis. I hope they got a discount for that.

In Liz’s office, Kenneth tries again to deliver her present, another photoshredder. Just then, Tracy comes in with Grizz and Dot Com, all of them in nice suits. They’ve just come from court, where Tracy only had to sign off on his community service. Except he showed up drunk and now has to wear an ankle bracelet which can detect even on drop of alcohol in his bloodstream. Hmm, I wonder where they got the idea for that. We flash to the monitoring center in Denver, which features a big US. map with dots representing people wearing the ankle bracelets. Besides Tracy, the Lohan family is prominently featured. Hey, leave Lindsay alone! Liz assigns Kenneth, Grizz, and Dot Com to make sure Tracy gets through the holidays without drinking, and Kenneth has apparently been watching Apprentice promos because he is already angling to be Project Manager.

Jack is stealing pastries to send to his mother (room service is “too salty”) and Liz sympathizes with how tough family stuff can be. Just then, her family shows up. Lemon family requesting permission to land! (Buck Henry, Anita Gillette) She introduces them to Jack and they compliment him and Liz all over the place. Jack is befuddled by how nice they are and how supportive they are of Liz. As the Lemons leave, Jack makes sure that the consumptive stripper coughs all over the pastries before he sends them to his mother.

Liz’s family take a tour of the studio and are excited to see the sets that have been built because of “the words [Liz] wrote.” They are standing in front of a game show-type set called “Who Farted?” Mitch teases Liz about how she doesn’t get to go on his senior class ski trip and Liz totally plays along because she is a good sister. She also says “boys are gross,” which gives Amy and I hope. Jack comes in to make sure she is okay, because he still can’t understand that her family gets along. It’s strange! But they have always been supportive, even when Liz was a kid and sued the White Haven School District to let girls play football. We flash back to a youg Liz on the football field, attempting to kick a field goal and looking very much like she plays for the Baltimore Ravens. (I will get in trouble for that joke, readers.) Jack has never seen such blind encouragement. He’s confused, but intrigued. Mitch makes another 80s reference.

Back in Tracy’s dressing room, Kenneth is putting holiday decorations on Tracy’s ankle bracelet with a glue gun. Tracy doesn’t know how to do the holidays without drinking. Without alcohol, football is boring, his wife’s sister isn’t cute, and he can’t play the guitar. Kenneth says he understands because he was addicted to coke in his Wall Street years. I totally call that it was Coca-Cola. He tries to distract Tracy with party games (Murder?) but Tracy just says he is going home.

Jack’s Mom, Colleen, is upset by the disaster of a hotel. The TV has 100 channels! She’s only here for three days. She guilts Jack into inviting her to stay with him. She asks for the bathroom. Jack watches the hurricane on TV and sighs. Mr. and Mrs. Lemon come in with a present for Jack … a big tin of flavored popcorn. That stuff is tasty, but I never know what to do with the tin afterward. They compliment Jack’s beautiful office and how his mother must be so proud. They even compliment Jack’s girlfriend, the congresswoman with her own Lifetime movie. Jack just wants to know what they want from him.

Back during party prep, Jenna is trying to decide where to set up the keyboard so she can sing at the party. She’s still dressed like a lounge singer. Mitch comes in and doesn’t remember her, even though they know each other, in like, the biblical sense. He then sees Cerie and totally drops his big pickup line involving Wham! and how he is the George Michael of his school. Too bad Frank isn’t gay for Mitch! Cerie is totally sweet and plays along.

Back in Jack’s office, Liz finds her parents and her boss laughing it up. How long has Jack’s mother been in the bathroom, anyway? They invite him along for window shopping and Jack sneaks out with them, leaving his mother in the powder room.

Frank and Co. pass Tracy in the hallway and ask if he is coming to LudaChristmas, even though he can’t drink. He decides he could cut off his foot at the ankle and go anyway. Everyone cheers. They are off to the party, but are ambushed by Kenneth, Grizz and Dot Com, who lock them in and promise to teach them about Christmas. I think everyone might cut their feet off to get out of this one.

The Lemon family and Jack, all wearing matching Christmas sweaters, are at the ice skating rink. The Lemons continue to compliment both Liz and Jack, who is enjoying the attention. He’s going on the Disney cruise with them in March! Just as they are about to take a family picture, Jack’s mother shows up and brings them all down. Aw!

After the commercial, we find the Lemon family having fun skating while Jack and his mother watch. Colleen thinks Jack must find them more nurturing than she is. He points out that terrorist cells are more nurturing than she is. Again, I want to call my mom. She promises that she can break the Lemons in ten minutes and have then fighting like drag queens at a wig sale. Sweet! Just then Liz introduces her family to Colleen, and they are, of course, very nice to her. This explosion will be a big one. They invite Jack and Colleen to join them for dinner.

Back at the aborted LudaChristmas party, Kenneth and a Reverend Gary are finishing up some sort of puppet show. Kenneth points out how Christmas has gotten out of hand. The big tree outside? Just a way to lure in tourists to spend money. He wants to go around the room and have everybody talk about what Christmas means to them. Lutz gets up and tries to run screaming from the room, but bounces of Grizz and Dot Com. No escape!

The Lemons and the Donaghys are having dinner at some bright chain restaurant that seems to have a name like “Saturdays.” The menus have pictures of the food! Colleen tries to bait Liz’s parents by pointing out how “well she is doing so far from home” and how it “must eat them up that they don’t have grandchildren” but the Lemons won’t take the bait. She brings up politics, but the Lemons don’t discuss that stuff!

Back at Kenneth’s Christmas everyone is fed up with this true meaning of Christmas crap. They want presents and they want to eat too much and get drunk! Reverend Gary shows the video from his mission trip to Guatamala, where the kids are so happy with the presents he brought: pieces of wood. Videos of kids always work because everyone instantly feels back about taking what they have for granted. They get all riled up about how they should give money to those kids! And not ask for presents! And volunteer at a soup kitchen! AND CHOP DOWN THE BIG TREE! Oh no! Kenneth has gone to far.

Back at the potato bar at Saturdays, Liz asks Jack what is up with his mother. Why did Colleen ask her if she’s ever kissed a woman? Jack tells her that Colleen is trying to prove that the Lemons are just as screwed up as she and Jack are. Shout out! Jack tells his mother to leave them alone, but she thinks the Lemons are just in denial. Back at the table, Jack tries to pay for dinner but Mr. Lemon won’t let him. Mitch still thinks he’s a teenager. Colleen baits him with questions about how Liz gets all the attention since he’s younger. Mitch says that they spend lots of time with him, why just yesterday they took him to see the Goonies! Wait, is Mitch stuck at 18 or is he retarded? Sorry, Liz, says Mitch. You weren’t supposed to know that. Liz realizes that back in 1985, when her parents were supposed to be at her football game, they were actually seeing The Goonies with her brother. The floodgates are opened. Her parents were embarrassed she was playing football! She won’t give them grandkids! Liz says that they should bother Mitch about grandkids and suddenly Mitch realizes he isn’t a teenager anymore an has lost the past 23 years of his live. Ooops! Liz’s parents call her self-centered and are mad that she didn’t even offer to pay for dinner. I feel like I should call my dad and tell him I love him. Bingo! says Colleen. Jack just looks disappointed.

Back at the studio, Kenneth is trying to stop Tracy before he can cut down the big Christmas tree. Tracy says they have to do this, to make a point about Christmas. To stay sane, you first have to go crazy! Then his ankle bracelet starts beeping. He had a few drinks earlier, so they probably shouldn’t listen to him. Back at the monitoring center, Tracy’s picture flashes on the big screen but no one notices because the are having their own LudaChristmas!

The gang has a nice quiet, loving holiday party without any debauchery. The Lemon family is still at dinner, now fighting like the dysfunctional family everyone suspected they are. Mom and Dad are arguing about their marriage, Mitch is just mad because he missed out on 23 years of drinking, and Liz wants to know what it is about gay marriage that is going to tear this country apart. Jack takes his mother’s hand and wishes her a Merry Christmas, and she does the same. Aw, a bonding moment! They smile and watch the Lemons fight as we fade to credits.

Okay, so Tina Fey made three gay references in this episode (”Boys are icky!” “Your Mom asked if I have ever kissed a woman!” and “What about gay marriage is going to tear this country apart?”) and Amy and I are totally taking those moments as shout-outs . We love you Tina Fey! Call us!

30 Rock, 30 Rock recaps, Tina Fey