Watching 30 Rock

I woke up this morning with the 30 Rock theme song going through my head. That can mean only one thing … it’s Thursday and there’s a new episode of the show!

Cold opening: Jack Donaghy and his assistant, Jonathan, are standing on the balcony outside Jack’s office, gazing at the New York lights. “One day sir,” Jonathan says, “this whole city will be yours.” It’s quite the romantic moment. Just then, Liz Lemon bursts around the corner, looking for Jack. “You always ruin everything,” spits Jonathan as he stomps out. Jealous much, Johnny?

Jack tells Liz not to worry about Jonathan. He’s been tense since they found out Jack is a candidate for the GE Chairmanship. That’s why Liz is here …. she had a call from the lawyers asking about Jack … and what animal best describes him. “An eagle with the head of a bear,” is what Liz told them. Jack is flattered. Personally, I would have gone with “a gorilla with the head of an angry squirrel.” Jack figures that GE is looking for skeletons in his closet … so he’s hired a private investigator to investigate … himself. That why he’ll know that GE might find before GE finds it. “I’ve done some things, Lemon.” Now I want an episode about THAT. Jack fakes a phone call (with the “call me” hand gesture) to get out of hearing about Liz’s latest therapy session. I want an episode about THAT too.

Credits. Bop-bop-a-doo.

We return and along with Liz find Tracy in his dressing room with his wife, Angie, played by Sherri Shepard. Liz finds out the deal that Tracy and Angie made last week …. she’ll take him back, but only if she is with him ALL THE TIME to prevent him from messing around on her again. Liz is a fan of this development, because it means Tracy is on time to work. Tracy himself is just surprised to discover that things like TV shows are food are available even in the morning.

Angie asks Liz to help her keep an eye on Tracy when she can’t be around, as long as Liz promises not to fall in love with him. Liz says that won’t be a problem. Angie even agrees to be Liz’s “sassy black friend.”

Next Kenneth the Page brings Jenna her fan mail. She’s excited that there is so much of it and that some of it is even from federal prisons! Getting fat was the best thing that happened to her! People like her! Even Jack himself walks up and is nice to her, saying he can’t believe he ever wanted her to lose the weight. They discuss her commercial for ENORME, the number one fragrance for plus sized women. “Make him chase the chunk.” People, I am so sorry that this commercial has not made it to youtbe yet, because that was some funny shit. It was so good that it made me ever more ashamed of the bacon joke I was about to make here. Jenna is just happy that Jack finally likes her.

In the meantime, Angie rips off her earrings, ready to mix it up with the pretty young make up artist about to do Tracy’s makeup. Girl fight! Girl fight!

Jack meets up with his private detective for their first meeting. It’s Steve Buscemi! Mr. Pink asks Jack a few questions to help his investigation get started. Here’s what Jack gave him: he was arrested at the 1976 Democratic National Convention for beating up hippies, his brother sells faulty sprinkler systems to schools, his cousin fixes NBA games, his mother is an “Olympic level” racist, and the rest of the family gets drunk and thrown out of Chilis. Mr. Pink asks about any “weird sex stuff” but then says he’s rather find out on his own.

Back in Liz’s office, Jenna is panicking because she is losing weight. She’s is back to the factory made notches on her belt! She can’t lose weight because Jack won’t like her anymore.

Liz finds Tracy reading the paper looking for ideas for topical sketches. Liz is thrilled with the new Tracy and positive influence of having Angie around. But as soon as Tracy finds out that Angie isn’t around at that moment, he takes off for a strip club. Liz is upset because Angie will be mad a them! “I feel bad for doing this to you, Liz Lemon, I really do. And the only way to feel better about myself is to get boobie slapped by a coked-out Russian stripper!” Hey, that’s my little pick-me-up as well!

Jack finds Jenna in her dressing room. He’s upset that she no longer has an eating problem. “Me want food!” Jenna says, begging him to still like her. But she has no appetite. Kenneth the Page will be with her all the time. Keep Jenna fat, keep Jenna funny! I’m guessing this episode was written when Jane Krakowski got sick of wearing the fat suit.

Jack meets up with Mr. Pink again. Mr. Pink says he’s pretty clean — only a couple of things stand in the way. Jack needs to give up his membership to an all-white country club, fire his undocumented domestic employee, and one more thing: give up his (massive) cookie jar collection. Hey, he was Collection of the Year! Jack does not want to make this sacrifice for GE. Mr. Pink points out that Rudy Guliani had to give up his collection of wooden dolls before he ran for mayor. Jack thinks that over.

Liz runs into Angie and lies that Tracy is at the vet with his sick pet cobra. Tracy blows the cover though … he smells like Enorme and brass polish. He blames Liz! Angie turns on Liz and cuts off her access to Tracy, even though this is Liz’s show. Everything goes through Angie now!

After the commercials, Liz and Angie argue in Tracy’s dressing room. Angie won’t approve any of the sketch ideas Liz has for Tracy. Bank robber? Pimp? Obama? Angie doesn’t want to perpetuate any black stereotypes. Plus, they support Kucinich. Liz asks for another chance and places a hand on Angie’s arm. “Did you just try to control my body with your white hand?” Angie threatens to call Al Sharpton and then demands new writers for Tracy. She tells Grizz and Dot Com to get busy.

Meanwhile Kenneth the Page is with Jenna, feeding her something that will make her real fat. It even made his dad’s heart explode! And that is when his Mom’s friend Ron moved in! Jenna can’t eat.

Jack is with Mr. Pink, who is helping him get rid of his cookie jar collection. Mr. Pink is going to take them to Jersey and incinerate them, but Jack’s not having that. He’ll give them away to someone who loves them as much as he does.

Liz talks to Pete (Pete! Finally!) about her troubles with Angie. Pete tells her to compliment Angie’s nails. That always works for him at the bank. Kenneth comes along and asks for help with keeping Jenna fat. How can he get her to eat? Liz tells him that a lot of women eat because they feel bad about themselves. They figure that is the problem …. everything is going too well for Jenna! Liz tells him to be mean to Jenna, because women with low self esteem take refuge in either food or sex. We are then treated to a truly horrifying flashback featuring Jackie Mason that I refuse to recap. Liz writes down some mean things for Kenneth to say to Jenna to get her to eat.

Jack sits in his office with one of his cookie jars. He is unhappy with all the offers to far to buy his collection. Liz comes in looking for help with the Angie situation. She sees the cookie jar and asks if his collection has anything to do with unresolved childhood issues. He won’t see that, but says he just has to get rid of the collection, because they guy with the weird hobby never gets the corner office. On the monitor Jack sees Angie gettin’ bossy on the sound stage. He tells Liz that her idea of giving Angie a consulting credit won’t work … she’s going to have to fight her. He gives her some boxing tips. He’s got it worked out because when he meets anyone he figures out how he would fight them.

Kenneth finds Jenna not eating in her dressing room and starts reading from the list of insults Liz came up with for him. He discovers a little too late that Jenna’s version of low self-esteem reacts with sex rather than eating. She starts kissing him. Hey, I think Kenneth is about to become a man!

Liz goes to Tracy’s dressing room and offers Angie the consulting credit. Angie, of course, is not interested in that crap. Liz has finally had enough and orders Angie to leave and tells her that her nails look tacky. Angie is about to squeeze the Lemon when Tracy finally steps in and “puts his foot down.” Even though it pains him to act like an adult and stop to women who are about to “go at it,” he tells Angie she’s got to go. “You’re controlling, you’re manipulative, you’re loud …” That’s as far as he gets before a very turned on Angie jumps on him. They rip at their clothes while Liz watches. “Oh no, you guys start with that?” Maybe they learned that from Kenneth!

Jack is pacing in his office with Kenneth comes to apologize for not being able to keep Jenna fat. “She’s the wrong kind of crazy. And I guess we have to get married now.” Kenneth admires Jack’s cookie jar and tells him a story about how he used to stare at the cookie jar his family had back home in Georgia while his mother and her friend Ron when to the bedroom to “sort paperwork.” “It’s almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and put it in that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothing would never, ever, ever get out.” Jack recognizes a kindred spirit and offers Kenneth his cookie jar collection. He accepts it joyfully. Kenneth leaves and Jack stares at the GE logo on his monitor. “Are you happy now, you son of a bitch!” he yells at the logo. We fade to black as he whispers again: “You son of a bitch.”

Note to NBC: No one cares about this bee movie crap. Give us previews from next week already!

30 Rock, 30 Rock Season 2 recap, 30 Rock recaps